Holy Passion

For those who are members of the Church I want you to think back to when you were in young womens or young mens. How did they teach the law of chastity? (For those of who aren't members of the church the law of chastity is a commandment from God which states that we are to have sexual relations only with our spouse to whom we are legally married.) From my own experience and from what I've heard from others, most of the time this lesson isn't taught the way it should be. This isn't an issue of doctrine but more of the way it is being presented. I know that this isn't the case with everyone but many marriages in the church are suffering because of intimacy problems.

See when I was in young womens I remember one of my leaders saying one Sunday "Oh I know you girls are such good girls but I have to give this lesson on the law of chastity." I've heard some other lessons along the same lines such as being a chewed up piece of gum if you mess up, or being told to never ever think about sex, and that sex is bad. This is all completely wrong. We should never make anyone ever feel like sex is a bad thing or make someone feel like they are broken, bad, or will never be wanted if they mess up. Alma taught his son Shiblon, “Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love.” 

Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught, "So are passions good or bad?  Is there a place in the gospel for passion? Centuries ago, some early Christians thought passions—deep human feelings—were mostly evil.  So they built monasteries and convents where monks and nuns would not be so tempted by those passions they believed were so worldly.  I guess that is one option—to run away from passion.  But now, partly in an over-reaction to the rigid and frigid controls of the past, society has swung the pendulum completely to the opposite extreme. Most people today say—be as passionate as you want to be, whenever and wherever.  If it feels good, do it, and no worries about tomorrow or next week.  This is the age of the disposable relationship and the one-night stand.  The flame of casual sex burns like a comet through the sky and then it’s gone—sometimes burning your whole house down when it lands.

The truth is that neither the monasteries nor the modern world has got it right.  Passion is actually good, really good.  In fact, God himself has a body, parts, and passions.  We know that Jesus wept, sometimes for sorrow, sometimes for joy—always over people He loved.  He taught us to love with all our hearts—even to love God with a passion.  And you know those romantic feelings inside us that respond with such power, or other deep feelings like joy and excitement?  God gave us those feelings because they are part of His nature, and He created us, His children, to be like Him.  God does not want us to extinguish the passionate yearnings of our hearts.  He wants us to fulfill them, but He wants to teach us how to find their full expression.  That is exactly why He gave us the bridle of the gospel—so we can be filled with the fire of our God-given passions without being destroyed by that fire."

I think a lot of women struggle with this. It is easy for us to think we are social, emotional, and spiritual beings but it isn't easy to think of ourselves as sexual beings. We need to teach that sexual feelings are not bad but are divine. Passions are good so long as there is love and selflessness behind them. Sex is a beautiful way for us to express love to our spouse and also to create life. It does, however, require a lot of open communication between a husband and wife because good sex is not natural. Male and female bodies are very different when it comes to sexual desires and needs. The way to do this is to get educated sexually. 

When we have healthy intimacy in marriage it becomes easier to discuss it with our children which will lead them to be able to marry well. Laura Brotherson, who has written some fantastic books that I strongly recommend such as And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment, Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage, and Teaching Intimacy 101: How to Teach Your Children about Sex and Intimacy in Marriage, teaches that having ongoing conversations with our kids about sex is crucial.

There are 5 key times of when to teach. 

1. Before school (ages 5-6)-- the difference between good touch and bad touch and what to do to stop inappropriate behavior. 
2. Before age 8/ age of accountability-- This is an important time because this is the age they will start having access to media. 
3. Before puberty(11-12) -- These changes can be scary for kids. They need to know why this is happening and why it isn't a bad thing.
4. Before dating-- Reinforce whatever your standards are: boundaries, what to do if you get to close to an edge, and how to master their emotions.
5. Before marriage -- Fill in the blanks (sexual specifics) about a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship

Here are some other great resources if you are interested in learning more:)
https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLPpMH3VCWc