Despite our modern advantages and diverse forms of communication, our generation incredibly lacks the skill of communicating face to face. It is probably one of the biggest problems couples bring to counseling. And I don't blame them, communication can be hard! What you communicate to someone depends not only on what you say and how you say it, but also how the other person interprets what you say and how you say it. Research shows that 14% of our communication consists of words, 35% tone, and 51% non-verbal cues. If you take out any of these components, we risk higher miscommunication. So how can we learn to communicate better? It seems like there are multitudes of books out there that offer different solutions, however, in class this week I felt we talked about some great points I'd like to share.
In Ephesians 4:29 it reads, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."
What do we see as corrupt forms of communication today? Things such as passive aggressiveness, negativity, gossip, sarcasm, and giving the silent treatment are forms of corrupt communication. Elder Holland taught, "The voice that bears profound testimony, utters fervent prayer, and sings the hymns of Zion can be the same voice that berates and criticizes, embarrasses and demeans, inflicts pain and destroys the spirit of oneself and of others in the process. “Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren [and sisters], these things ought not so to be (James 3:10). Is this something we could all work on just a little? Is this an area in which we could each try to be a little more like a “perfect” man or woman?"
I want to share a model created by David D. Burns, MD. It is called The 5 Secrets of Effective Communication (Talk with your EAR).
E=Empathy
1. The Disarming Technique- If you are in a disagreement, identify some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. In other words, you are making yourself vulnerable by acknowledging some truth in their perspective. By laying down your defenses you invite the other person to do the same
2. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person's shoe; try to see the world through his or her eyes.
-Thought Empathy- Paraphrase the other person's words
-Feeling Empathy- Acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling, based on what he or she has said.
3. Inquiry: Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.
A=Assertiveness
4. "I Feel" Statements: Express your feelings tactfully, using low-key, dignified language. Address a topic or event and use "I feel" statements such as "I am also feeling upset" rather than "you" statements such as "you're not listening" which puts the other person on the defensive. Express why you felt that way and what you hope to change.
R=Respect
5. Stroking: Find something genuinely positive to say, even in the heat of battle. (It's like when I try and stroke my cat when he's pissed at me). Convey an attitude of respect, even though you may feel frustrated.
I think this is a fantastic model that can be used while talking with your spouse, family members, mission companions, and co-workers. Another incredibly valuable thing I want to mention is the importance of family councils. This is something Elder Ballard is very passionate about teaching:
"Family councils have always been needed. They are, in fact, eternal. We belonged to a family council in the premortal existence, when we lived with our heavenly parents as their spirit children. A family council, when conducted with love and with Christlike attributes, will counter the impact of modern technology that often distracts us from spending quality time with each other and also tends to bring evil right into our homes.
I believe there are at least four types of family councils:
- First, a general family council consisting of the entire family.
- Second, an executive family council consisting of a mother and father.
- Third, a limited family council consisting of parents and one child.
- Fourth, a one-on-one family council consisting of one parent and one child."
Here is a link on how to begin conducting these 4 different councils: https://www.lds.org/blog/the-beginners-guide-to-family-councils?lang=eng
Communication takes work, but the blessings and results that come from it are well worth it.
Feel free to leave any comments below!
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